Kelly codes

In my teens, I read Salem’s Lot, and discovered a love of horror and Stephen King. But I didn’t read Carrie or see the movie until just this year.

I expected it to scare me, but… I found the story heartbreaking. Yes, it was violent and gory and suspenseful… but it was so sad that Carrie was starting to break away from her mother, to be her own person. And then a cruel prank brought out a childish tantrum from a powerful girl who simply didn’t have the emotional maturity to control that power.

The scariest part to me was the mother and her zealous religious fanaticism. Not exactly surprising, considering my experiences with my mom. I don’t want you to get the wrong idea when I say that. My mom can be kind and generous, brilliant too. At the same time, if you disagree with her about anything, she isn’t capable of hearing you out. I’ve attempted to have a few open and frank discussions with her on a variety of topics, but once her mind is made up, there are no other facts in the universe that can permeate her ear canal. She’s religious in a trance sort of way. She experiences it deeply, and it brings her peace. Religion has troubled me for years now, so it’s no surprise her devotion makes me uncomfortable.

Don’t get me wrong. Mom is more stable than Carrie’s mom, but holy smokes, a world view that requires you to ignore reality shakes me to my bones.

Dual and Duel.

A unites, E divides.

Vowels are powerful, I say to U.

My papaw died two weeks ago today.

It’s probably impolite to say that he died instead of he passed away, but I’m afraid if I’m not direct with myself, I won’t accept that he’s gone. He’s not kind of gone or even somewhere else, he’s dead and gone. And frankly it’s been killing me.

There might be comfort if I had a belief in some sort of afterlife, but the truth of the matter is no one knows. Many believe in different scenarios, but I haven’t for a long time. I try to accept death as one of those mysteries in life. I want to assume this life is all there is because I want to live it. I don’t want to procrastinate things I want to do or say because somehow after my death, I’ll get another chance. I don’t want to take that risk.

Instead I take comfort that I told him how much he means to me, and how much he improved my life just by loving and accepting me as I am. By stepping in and being my father when I needed one. He touched many other lives too. What greater legacy could a human being leave behind?

I take comfort that he died at home with family. He was in minimal pain and he still had his dignity. He had enough warning of what was coming so he could tell his loved ones that he loved them and hear that they loved him back. He had time to prepare my granney for life without him. He didn’t die in a nursing home or hospital as he always feared.

Please don’t forget to hug the ones you love.

PS My grandparents before they were married. Aren’t they beautiful?